So here I am living in another country with my husband and I'm thousands of miles away from home. I was happy I got to visit them in October this year, it was nice to catch up with my sister and brother-in-law, I also got to game and spend time with my two adorable nephews. I flew back to the UK in November from the visit and I honestly haven't been the same since, my depression and anxiety have worsened, I'm a lot more emotional than I'm used to being and all I wish is that I could be back home spending Christmas with my family.
You always think you'll have enough time ya know? Plenty of time to spend with your family, plenty of time to make plans together, laugh together, eat together and then before you know it time just vanishes so quickly. My nephews are getting older, growing up so quickly, they get taller with every picture my sister sends my way and I think about all of the time I've lost with them. It worsens my melancholy too. I know so many people would be so happy to be abroad and see new sites, however, whenever I walk out the door and hear unfamiliar voices, drive on the left hand side of the road I'm filled with a deeper sadness than I can possibly describe. I feel out of place here, when I walk into the local grocery store I feel like I'm trapped in some bubble I can't get out of, I'm disconnected from the people around me. When I try to smile at an employee, thank them, or wish them a good day I'm often met with cold stares back at me. I think to myself, this wouldn't happen as often at home. I know Americans get a bad reputation, but we genuinely can be kind people, and when we ask how they are and wish then a good day, we often genuinely mean it as we know that life is hard and people work hard for their money.The experience of shopping here can be jarring, perhaps I'm viewing it with depressive eyes, or it's just the difference in culture that is difficult to get used to. Sometimes it just feels cold here and when I wish someone a good day and there's no response in turn it makes me long for home even more so. I suppose if I think about it some more, the same can be applied here, there are kind people and not so kind people everywhere in the world. I think it just feels different when you're away from home, in another country, and don't have a very good support system in place.
Maybe I'm missing something deeper this Christmas, my family, my parents who passed away long ago, my childhood---the excitement of Christmas and how special my Mom made it for my sister and I? Adding homesickness to the mix, living in another country, and struggling with depression surely is a recipe for why I'm feeling so down this month. If only for a moment, do I wish to bring my Mom back, spend some time with her, make some of her famous Christmas fudge with her, and have a coffee and seek her advice and support. Perhaps we would catch up on life, have a laugh or two, and maybe that would somehow lift my spirits. Would that help me get through all of this somehow?
I wonder if there are those of who you might understand? Just know if anyone is reading this who has moved abroad and struggling, you're not alone, feel free to comment your experiences below. You'll get no judgment from me. Perhaps it might even help to get it off your shoulders? If you are struggling with depression, grief and loss this time of year, I can relate to what you're going through. If it helps, please comment and share your story with me. Sometimes writing can be therapy and help us to express what we keep tucked away.
Here's a shout out to Sydney Sims for their lovely picture, I'm linking a referral as a way of expressing my thanks for sharing your work with others: Thank you!
Lastly, some comfort music for anyone whose feeling alone and missing a bit of their childhood: Last Days of September
I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and that you're able to find some peace and joy in the holiday. Even if not, that's okay too. You have to do what's best for yourself in the end.
A friend who cares,
Meg
